I like everyone have had moments were I struggle with what is going on in my life.  It is a big part of my life and writing is a big way for me to vent, to get feelings and concerns out on paper, even if it is not 100% accurate and may have some melodrama mixed in.  I am for the most part happy with my life, but I do have a few holes I'm not sure how to fill.  I guess I'm searching, and hope that I always am because that is how one grows, that is how one moves forward in life, and that is how one develops new dreams to reach for.  I have some ideas of what I want my future to be, but I don't always know how to get there or if those ideas are possible.  I want to build more of a personal life because I've spent most my life re-creating my professional life...and I guess I'm semi-content where I am right now, although I could see myself moving on to the right opportunity.  I keep my resumes updated online just in case.  I guess what I want most right now is to find happiness with a man who supports me, talks to me, dreams with me...  someone who will help me find financial stability, someone who will keep pushing me to learn, who will accept my support and constructive critcism so he can keep growing. 

I have to be thankful for my brother, my sisters, and my Mom and Russ.  They have ALWAYS been there for me and sometimes with their help I see things more clearly or know what questions to ask myself and those in my life. :)

Why is it that when something happens in my family I'm ALWAYS without fail one of the last people called?  Everyone calls Cyndi, or Mom, or Susie first...and then expect them to tell me.  I need to know things just as much as these people...but I always have to hear through the grapevine.  It's frustrating because I try to call all the important people...but I always end up on a second, third, or fourth tier.  Facts get lost the further from the beginning you start...and I do have knowledge and resources at my disposal that others do not! 

I guess what I'm just trying to say is tell ME, not so and so who tells so and so who finally tells me.  Is that too much to ask?

I sit here a month after meeting him, and my heart is filling.  Already the quiet simple moments are the best...ones where he holds me, my head propped on his shoulder, or arms wrapped around my waist as we both watch tv together, him behind me.  Moments like holding his hand in the car...or just IMing each other when one or both of us are at work. 

I don't know if this is what falling in love is, but I hope so.  I hope that things continue like this.  I hope that we remain just as attracted to each other and that whatever this is between us continues to grow.  I can already see myself possibly living with him...or someday (not soon) possibly taking this further.  But for now, my heart is full of hope and I'm loving every minute of life!

Why is it so very hard to get out and meet guys?  I mean, I've tried to maybe just run into guys, the online dating service (and I've found that I at least want to meet a few of the guys on Match.com but never could do even that on eHarmony), and just being here.  I really want to find that special someone!

I get told all the time that when I stop looking he'll be there...but you see there is this part of me that can't stop looking.  I just don't know how else to do this!

I've meet guys from Match that are totally different from their profiles, who I have a good time with and they fall off the face of the earth, who just want to get me back to their place, who have hard ons the entire FIRST date, who bring their dogs along expecting to leave them in the car, who don't drive...  I've e-mailed some who just want to talk about sex (ah...probably no chance of a first date)...and who just don't sound like their profiles.  I've found some that I wouldn't mind being friends with but who just won't work as a relationship...but they usually wouldn't settle for that, and some who get frustrated because I have an active life and keep myself busy...and they poof right when I finally start having time. 

I'm more then 30 and just want to find someone to travel with, to spend my life with, (to have sex with), who will respect me, let me complain when things aren't going well, but cheer with me when they are.  I want to meet someone who I can exercise with, play games with, watch movies with, find new things with!  I just wish it wasn't so hard!

Why does dating have to be so hard?  I can't figure out where to go to meet guys...except bars and night clubs, but those aren't really the type of guys I'm interested in meeting.  Because of this I tried eHarmony a few years ago and never even met anyone from there. Then I got into a relationship that was awesome and I thought I would actually marry that guy...  and to be truthful it may have happened if he didn't get scared of commitment and go running away, breaking my heart in the process.  The fact he broke up with me over the phone while I was on vacation had a lot to do with why when he came crawling back a few years later asking to marry me I just kinda laughed in his face.  I hate that I love him and trust him with anything...anything that is except my heart. 

So now I've gone with Match.com.  You know, this site seems to have more potential.  I've actually been put in contact with guys I felt like I wanted to meet.  I've met at least 5 of them now.  The first just wanted to kiss me and have me come back to his place that night...which means probably he just wanted sex.  Never heard from him again.  The next guy brought his dog along on a first date...knowing our plans were to go out to a restaurant...that the dog would not be allowed to enter.  I felt bad for the dog...and then he just wanted to talk about my nursing...and tried to keep the topic on that.  No offense, but there is a whole lot more to me then my career...and I don't want to totally dwell on that all the time outside of work. 

The next guy I met had no personality.  He even admitted that he had no real purpose in life other then to work and pay his bills.  He was not close to his family, had no real close friends, and his job was just that...something to do to pass the time.  He had no passion in his life...which I just can't imagine!  You need something for which to live or what fun is life?

I met one that I went out on several dates with.  I LOVED talking to him, but he was really short...and kissing him just didn't feel right (didn't kiss until 2nd date)...and my life got busy and it was hard to schedule dates...and he got tired of waiting (even though my schedule had just lightened up when he said goodbye). 

Then I had a date that I thought went well and he said he had fun and then disappeared into the abyss of time and first and only dates.  Then I met this guy who sounded good in e-mail, in chat, even over the phone.  He said a lot of things about himself...but I just don't know what to make of him.  I guess he likes me because I know he is aroused by me...and he keeps trying to kiss me and such.  But on the first date I do kinda like to maybe have one kiss...at the end.  And...I don't know...there is just something that puts me on edge...and I've learned to trust my gut feelings.

I have one guy who likes to Chat with me over the internet...but just wants to talk about sex...and one that told me I was the girl for him and he quit Match.com because he knew I was "The one"...before we'd even chatted let alone met (still haven't met this one...doubt I ever will).  

I know I have a busy life right now and sometimes it's hard to work in a date...but it isn't impossible.  I know that sometimes I deliberately make it hard on the guys I'm iffy about... Sigh.

I'm 31 and I guess I'm trying to trust that the right guy is out there and I just need to find him, but there is a part of me that is really lonely.  I want to find him and love him a little while...and eventually I want to give him children before we're both too old for that!  I never thought I'd be 31 and living at home with Mom still...and still single. 

I just wish this was easier!

Ugh...  There are times I wonder at how I can do my profession.  I have to be up REALLY early and then stay at work more then 12 hours...a very stressful job.  I function in the morning, but am SOO not a morning person.  Maybe someday I'll find a job with hours that better match my sleep schedule...the fact I'm a night owl for the most part doesn't help...but when I did night shift I couldn't make it home safely.  At least when I get up in the morning I can keep going and get through, I'm just tired.  On night shift I did the head-bob drive home and sometimes didn't remember parts of the drive.  That is not cool...or safe.  Ok, back to your normally scheduled program.

 

Chris

I sit here beginning this journal.  I have to say that I like the idea of this.  I have always tried to keep a journal although I often forget to write, even after I started to do it on a computer.  Typing is SO much easier then writing!

I sit here struggling with life and trying to find a balance...  I feel like I work, babysit, and try to find time for myself to get out there and meet people...anyone really...but especially guys because as a 31 year old woman there is a part of me that REALLY is ready to find a guy who is ready to commit to me.  So far I've found one guy who is ready to commit NOW...mind you 3 years after he broke up with me...over the phone...while I was on vacation with my family.  He is starting to realize exactly how bad that was...but I kinda think he doesn't totally get it and probably never will.  I've also found a few guys who just want sex.  I've met one who had basically no personality or reason for life and even admitted it.  I met one that I thought we hit it off well with and he said he'd love to do another date but he faded into the abyss. Now I've met someone that I'm just not sure about.  I had fun with him, but he was REALLY aroused on our first date...and I'm really not sure what did it..and he just well, he doesn't smile much, is a pessimist, and already seems really attached to me and we've only been out on one date.  He doesn't drive or even own a car...which there could be a good explanation for, but he hasn't shared it with me yet.  I just know deep down he isn't the one...but there is also a part of me that doesn't mind going out with him again.  Does that make me a bad person to just want to date a few times?  I guess we'll see in the end.

I don't understand why it is so hard to find a good guy!  It seems that they just want to flit through life without responsibility.  I want someone who will stand beside me, let me vent about work (which can be quite stressful as I'm a pediatric nurse...in an intensive care unit at that) and who will do new things with me...and raise a few kids with me.  I don't think that is a lot to ask.  I need him to trust me, and I'll trust him as long as he gives me no reason not to.  I don't care if he has female friends...I have plenty of guy friends.  He needs to accept the grunge me and the dress up want to go out and look pretty me.  I'd love for him to go to plays/musicals with me and I'll even put up with sports and what not!  I'm open to just about anything at this point!  I want someone to love me, support me, let me support him, and someone I can grow old with!  Get me out of my Mom's house.  I'm here because I want to pay off some debt, but I also want to be close to my family.  They mean a lot to me, but I feel sometimes lately I live my life for them...not me and I need to find that missing balance!  There has to be a way to have it all...I just haven't found the balance between everything.  Hopefully, God willing, someday I will be able to at least find a better balance...one that I can live a bit more happily with!